Sentimental FPH Video!
April 29th, 2010
We’ll try not to do these too often.
Emancipation of the Dugongs
April 24th, 2010
My Fellow Templars,
I wish to bring to the fore a matter of great discontent in my mind. Although this question has not been posed in these elections, and no candidates have supported my position, I believe that in this time of excitement and enthusiasm inspired by the prospective dethronement of the tyrannical hotchips, we must reflect too on these harder questions. Our optimism is, too be sure, firmly justified and should continue unabated; this is a place where goats’ milk and yams’ honey freely flows to sate our yearning tongues. The clan is now Eight Years, One Month, and Eighteen Days old, and while skeptics and naysayers have long predicted our demise, we have proven ourselves a vital folk even amid the treacherous waters of academics, occupations, relationships, and insanity; the raging malestroms of examinations, office parties, social dramas, nervous breakdowns, and spinal dislodgements. I cannot understate my confidence in our future: conflicts do not break, but rather harden our bonds; our friendship does not decay with time, but rather proves its lasting nature. But if we are to march our maturing project forward, we must recognize its form, though resilient, is imperfect, and thus stands to improvement.
Each of us must evaluate, demand, and enact the renovations so as to shape from this shared possession a creation we can each confidently name one of which we are a part. We are a community, but we are also all individuals, and in every act here we must ask: is it the act of an individual, true to myself, or the effect of desiring to belong to this community? Certainly, if we are individuals, we will tug against one another one those questions which we disagree, but we will also be able to proudly declare, ‘This is what I fought for, here is the evidence’. If we allow ourselves to be subjected to the community, then we will never ask if we are genuinely content. We should be allowed to tear it apart over our questions; we have proven already that it can be mended to form from the most violently mangled shreds. So it is that I bring to you the Question of Dugong Slavery. Many of you will reject my charges, but if I shake the confidence of at least one, my efforts shall be vindicated. Here I recall the words of the American abolitionist William Lloyd Garrison:
I am aware that many object to the severity of my language; but is there not cause for severity? I will be as harsh as truth, and as uncompromising as justice. On this subject, I do not wish to think, or to speak, or write, with moderation. No! No! Tell a man whose house is on fire to give a moderate alarm; tell him to moderately rescue his wife from the hands of the ravisher; tell the mother to gradually extricate her babe from the fire into which it has fallen; – but urge me not to use moderation in a cause like the present. I am in earnest – I will not equivocate – I will not excuse – I will not retreat a single inch – and I will be heard.
It was under the auspices of Darkflame that this barbaric practise was first imposed, and while I have elsewhere denied the legitimacy of his rule, I will speak no further on the matter to preserve the purity of my argument. His intentions were to demonstrate the generosity and enlightenment of his regime, but this act poisoned our long-standing relations with the noble race of dugong. Was it not with the dugongs that lonely seafarers would find the opportunity for fraternization, maintaining their affirmation of heterosexuality? Have their hilarious antics not amused generations of children, calmed the nervous broads and soothed the souls of hysterical dames? But now dugongs are chained in the hundreds, hauled arounds as the grand retinue of vain templars. The practise, while never founded on sound principles, was largely contained at its inception. Dugongs were kept in the company of only the most charming templars, their every need readily met by the riches of their keepers. But other templars soon grew jealous of these aristocrats’ prizes, and the government, seeking to demonstrate the prosperity of its age, relaxed the rules on the trade of dugongs. Their welfare was no longer guarded, the circumstances of their acquisition no longer mattered, and thus entered an intelligent and beautiful beast into common currency. The most ignomious sections of society are today allowed to barter on the lives of these misunderstood people. But it does not matter whether or not these dugongs were opulently ornamented or cruelly abused, the principle is, and always has been, evil. Dugongs have been reduced, humiliated, and subjected to the will of individuals who have no more right to control their fates than you or I have to control each other’s self-expression and realization. That is why I have never given or sold a dugong, nor have I ever happily accepted a dugong. It is a vain and ignoble practise and I have lobbied for its cessation from the day of its inception.
The argument for dugongs has often focused on the practical rather than principle, and the reasons for this are obvious enough. The latter should not be subjected to the former; it is unfortunate that some here are disbelievers in the importance of the principle. But here too I will meet and challenge my opponent, if that is what it takes to reverse the course of his thought. My opponents argue that the dugong trade encourages activity, that the reward is the basis for the resurgence and persistence of this community’s life. I do not believe that the dugongs have ever promoted activity; although I am without the benefit of statistics on the matter, I have enough experience to know that activity fluctuates most with the various projects and initiatives of the members, as well as their availability. In the case of the latter, the dugongs are of no significance whatsoever. The traders’ rebuttal is that the initiatives are motivated by the prospect of dugong gain. But it is always in the response of my community that I find my satisfaction, in the constant debate and extension of ideas. And here it is that dugongs are destructive; if it is enough to click a button, rather than to weigh in on a particular humorous image, or comment on an exhaustive exposition such as this, then why not simply do that? If this easy recourse is not available, then templars will be forced to press on a debate, as they have done for ages. Here it is we find the death of a great tradition: the “I’m with” signs. Though not extinguished totally by the new trade, along with the invasion of the elephants it appears to be on its last legs. We cannot attribute to this vile trade any promotion of activity on these forums.
The second part of the argument made by those who uphold this practise is its aggrandizement of the holder. A newbie hungrily looks upon the dugongs and reserves their respect for those who most readily display their possessions. The traders argue, “We have created an institution for demonstrating good practise in this community by initiating the trade.” No! No! No! I must abolish this myth that a community can at all be founded on such shallow indications of status. We are a people who create, from the age of the myths to the spam threads to our ingenious games, our joy has always been in the construction of great monuments in which to integrate our humour and build our memories. The dugong trade is a base and common one, and affirmations of “Certified Awesomeness” are now committed to ephemeral motions, single posts typically of minor and passing significance. It is no longer the celebration of a deliberate act, but a sea of forgotten impulses, whose commerce is swift but whose material productions are ultimately disposable. The dugong promotes not the satisfaction of creation but the accumulation of ratifications; the templar is no longer the artist but the factory, the goodness of his works affirmed by the reception of coinage. The spirit of the artist is kept alive in our community by a few, so it is not entirely in danger, but it is no longer bred in our younger generation, and it is upon the dugong trade that this must be blamed. It is harmful not only to our dugongs, but to their keepers, who point not to their creations to prove their quality but count the heads of their fettered dugongs to demonstrate their value in a quantity.
I have presented my arguments to justify my guarding of a controversial position, and I invite a response from those who argue for the trade.For those who support my position, please add your signature to my own, so we may represent a new and freer spirit as we bring this clan into a new term.
Thank you for your time and patience.
Signed,
SoggyFrog
The Game of Mafia: A Meandering Exposé, Pt I.
November 24th, 2009
Excitement stirs in the forum. The moderator has updated the game! The players pry their way into the thread, and quickly scroll their way to the newest post. There they find a lengthy and deliciously composed post, and tearing the sentences apart with their eyes and minds, discover the facts that might propel the game from the silence and confusion of the last few days. One player cries out in shock, perhaps disappointed, or even upset. Another silently smiles, and adds a blithe comment. Others pounce with responses, and once again, chaos and conflict break out in full force.
In fora across the internet, people young and old are enjoying games of Mafia. This author now sets upon the daunting task of assessing the secret of its success, with the FPH community as the focus of his studies. Complex community dynamics, a unique comedic culture, make this community an especially interesting study. He hopes, if he may set his star so high, to answer such long-standing questions as: Why do people play (by the rules)? How do they know who to trust? What makes a winner?
To begin our exposé, we fix our eyes to the ground, piercing the heart of the humble newbie, The Cheese Man.
PoE: Tell us about your FPH Mafia career.
TCM: Well, I am really quite awful at the game. I’ve never won.
PoE: And why do you always fail?
TCM: I can’t handle the responsibility. It’s a daunting task, concealing my role, discovering information, not cracking under the pressure of their… inquisitions. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for it.
PoE: Interesting, go on.
TCM: I can write and direct the stories alright, but when you get thrown into the ring it’s an entirely different game. People scrutinize what you say, because they know as much as you do. You lose control over how things precipitate from a single mistake. I really want to win a game, but that sort of tension just kills me.
PoE: Would you like to tell us more about that?
TCM: Well, Doc, I feel that everytime I’ve lost, it’s been a mistake that I made. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I just want to know that I’m playing it correctly, and I want other players to understand that I’m trying. It’s so difficult, I know that just one false step could send me over the edge. It’s such an unforgiving game. I’m trying to figure out, but I need help, I can’t figure out how to win. It’s like there’s this secret that everyone else is in on, Doc, and I can’t get to it. I feel so left out.
PoE: How did you know they called me ‘Doc’?
TCM: Beg pardon?
PoE: Doc. You called me ‘Doc’ twice just now.
TCM: I did?
PoE: Yeah. My parents call me Doc sometimes, you know, like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. But how did you know?
TCM: Well I guess I probably heard your mom call you that.
zing! The Meandering Exposé continues sometime, hopefully it will be less embarrassing then.
Film Archive Opens!
November 24th, 2009
The Grand Re-Opening of the FPH Film Archive was today, with various dignitaries in attendance, including Lief H. Ericson, PhD, a long-time advocate of the Film Archive, and two Emperor Penguins. The FPH Film Archive had its humble beginnings as a nearly empty shack on the side of the internet highway with the sign FPH VIDEOS pasted on the outside. It sold various niche pornographic items and a few cutouts from old issues of the FPH Sun.
Well, the FPH Film Archive has gotten much further now. It now features a real door with a real knob, and a growing selection currently consisting of five intelligent and artistic works (non-pornographic!) available for viewing on a $25 projector inside. Visitors will now be able to enjoy these videos on comfortable folding plastic seats or an old tire that was dragged inside (a local favourite). To view films in this exclusive setting, the Film Archive is offering a low introductory admission cost of $15 per viewing. Templars save 10% on admission!
FPH Film Archive
Important for all of stuffkind
March 19th, 2009
Fun fact: Ponies colour themselves with a wide variety of war paints before taking on some of the more dangerous grasses.
Dear PoE (from prof. R. A. Hippoberg)
March 5th, 2009
Esteemed Panel of Experts,How much food would a foodfuck fuck if a foodfuck could fuck food?
Yours faithfully,
Professor R. A. Hippoberg, Ph.D.
Department of Ethology
State University of Bouvetoya
Dear Professor Hippoberg,
Foodfucks are among the most fascinating animal species in the world, even if they are considered a bane of picknicers all over the temperate climate zone. The question you asked, concerning their capability of mating with significant volumes of food, has been giving philosophers a headache for long centuries now. A famous historical anecdote, passed down by Plutarch, tells of the great philosopher Archimedes struggling with this very problem on the day the city he happened to be in was captured by the Romans. His last words, addressed to a soldier who burst into his room looking for things to rape or pillage, were allegedly “do not disturb my foodfucks!”.
Thus unfortunately the question remained unanswered for the next couple of millenia, but fortunately today we have all the modern science and stuff, and we can finally embark on the quest of finding the answer to this burning question. In fact, our specialists will soon be doing a program about foodfucks on the Discovery Channel, which has the scientest science of all with their flashy logos and theme music. Our program will have the best damn logo in the history of the channel, you just wait and see!
THE THEME WILL GO LIKE THIS: Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo WROOOOAAAHHHH *drum solo*
Anyway, about your question. Read more…
Insects suck
March 3rd, 2009
Those stupid fucks have been around for over 350 million years now, amount to 75% of all animal species known to science, and they never got around to colonize the seas!
This must be the worst goddamn failure in the history of evolution. Insects are like the most successful class of animals ever; they were the only invertebrates ever to evolve flight, even before vertebrates decided to tag along with prototype pterosaurs. The estimated ten fucking million species occupy all kinds of environments, including deserts, underground undergroundness, glaciers, and bodies of sweet water. Cockroaches can like survive an atomic bomb dropped straight onto their heads.
Read more…
40 Best Things About Spats.
March 3rd, 2009
- A common household spat.
Hello. In today’s installment of the soon-to-be-fabulous “40 Best Things About…” series, we are going to focus on spats – quite possibly the best footwear accessory ever invented. Sit down comfortably and fasten your spatbelts, because you have some serious eye-opening experience in front of you.
Spats were invented possibly in prehistoric times. They were certainly among the first domesticated items of clothing. I am sure you yourself own several pairs, because only horrible barbarians don’t. They provide many benefits and are just plain awesome. You probably know your basic spatology already and there’s no need to further explain the basics. BUT did you know that:
1. They are the only shoe accessory that can be used without shoes, possibly confusing your opponents in an ass-kicking contest.
Dear PoE (from Jimmy)
February 27th, 2009
mom's crab
Dear Panel of Experts
My friends always tell me my mom has crabs. I had crab meat once and i really liked it, but i cant find these crabs my friends keep saying my mom has. can you tell me where to find my moms crabs?
- Jimmy
—
Dir Sir or Madam,
We are ever so glad you decided to share your problem with our community. As you woefully experienced firsthand already, crabs are one of the major problems of contemporary world, and extreme attention must be paid to all affairs involving these wonderful but malevolent creatures. Read more…