Community Service Announcement
November 24th, 2009
On behalf of the utensil liberation movement:
The Game of Mafia: A Meandering Exposé, Pt I.
November 24th, 2009
Excitement stirs in the forum. The moderator has updated the game! The players pry their way into the thread, and quickly scroll their way to the newest post. There they find a lengthy and deliciously composed post, and tearing the sentences apart with their eyes and minds, discover the facts that might propel the game from the silence and confusion of the last few days. One player cries out in shock, perhaps disappointed, or even upset. Another silently smiles, and adds a blithe comment. Others pounce with responses, and once again, chaos and conflict break out in full force.
In fora across the internet, people young and old are enjoying games of Mafia. This author now sets upon the daunting task of assessing the secret of its success, with the FPH community as the focus of his studies. Complex community dynamics, a unique comedic culture, make this community an especially interesting study. He hopes, if he may set his star so high, to answer such long-standing questions as: Why do people play (by the rules)? How do they know who to trust? What makes a winner?
To begin our exposé, we fix our eyes to the ground, piercing the heart of the humble newbie, The Cheese Man.
PoE: Tell us about your FPH Mafia career.
TCM: Well, I am really quite awful at the game. I’ve never won.
PoE: And why do you always fail?
TCM: I can’t handle the responsibility. It’s a daunting task, concealing my role, discovering information, not cracking under the pressure of their… inquisitions. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for it.
PoE: Interesting, go on.
TCM: I can write and direct the stories alright, but when you get thrown into the ring it’s an entirely different game. People scrutinize what you say, because they know as much as you do. You lose control over how things precipitate from a single mistake. I really want to win a game, but that sort of tension just kills me.
PoE: Would you like to tell us more about that?
TCM: Well, Doc, I feel that everytime I’ve lost, it’s been a mistake that I made. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I just want to know that I’m playing it correctly, and I want other players to understand that I’m trying. It’s so difficult, I know that just one false step could send me over the edge. It’s such an unforgiving game. I’m trying to figure out, but I need help, I can’t figure out how to win. It’s like there’s this secret that everyone else is in on, Doc, and I can’t get to it. I feel so left out.
PoE: How did you know they called me ‘Doc’?
TCM: Beg pardon?
PoE: Doc. You called me ‘Doc’ twice just now.
TCM: I did?
PoE: Yeah. My parents call me Doc sometimes, you know, like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. But how did you know?
TCM: Well I guess I probably heard your mom call you that.
zing! The Meandering Exposé continues sometime, hopefully it will be less embarrassing then.
Film Archive Opens!
November 24th, 2009
The Grand Re-Opening of the FPH Film Archive was today, with various dignitaries in attendance, including Lief H. Ericson, PhD, a long-time advocate of the Film Archive, and two Emperor Penguins. The FPH Film Archive had its humble beginnings as a nearly empty shack on the side of the internet highway with the sign FPH VIDEOS pasted on the outside. It sold various niche pornographic items and a few cutouts from old issues of the FPH Sun.
Well, the FPH Film Archive has gotten much further now. It now features a real door with a real knob, and a growing selection currently consisting of five intelligent and artistic works (non-pornographic!) available for viewing on a $25 projector inside. Visitors will now be able to enjoy these videos on comfortable folding plastic seats or an old tire that was dragged inside (a local favourite). To view films in this exclusive setting, the Film Archive is offering a low introductory admission cost of $15 per viewing. Templars save 10% on admission!
FPH Film Archive
Important for all of stuffkind
March 19th, 2009
Fun fact: Ponies colour themselves with a wide variety of war paints before taking on some of the more dangerous grasses.
Dear PoE (from prof. R. A. Hippoberg)
March 5th, 2009
Esteemed Panel of Experts,How much food would a foodfuck fuck if a foodfuck could fuck food?
Yours faithfully,
Professor R. A. Hippoberg, Ph.D.
Department of Ethology
State University of Bouvetoya
Dear Professor Hippoberg,
Foodfucks are among the most fascinating animal species in the world, even if they are considered a bane of picknicers all over the temperate climate zone. The question you asked, concerning their capability of mating with significant volumes of food, has been giving philosophers a headache for long centuries now. A famous historical anecdote, passed down by Plutarch, tells of the great philosopher Archimedes struggling with this very problem on the day the city he happened to be in was captured by the Romans. His last words, addressed to a soldier who burst into his room looking for things to rape or pillage, were allegedly “do not disturb my foodfucks!”.
Thus unfortunately the question remained unanswered for the next couple of millenia, but fortunately today we have all the modern science and stuff, and we can finally embark on the quest of finding the answer to this burning question. In fact, our specialists will soon be doing a program about foodfucks on the Discovery Channel, which has the scientest science of all with their flashy logos and theme music. Our program will have the best damn logo in the history of the channel, you just wait and see!
THE THEME WILL GO LIKE THIS: Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo WROOOOAAAHHHH *drum solo*
Anyway, about your question. Read more…
Insects suck
March 3rd, 2009
Those stupid fucks have been around for over 350 million years now, amount to 75% of all animal species known to science, and they never got around to colonize the seas!
This must be the worst goddamn failure in the history of evolution. Insects are like the most successful class of animals ever; they were the only invertebrates ever to evolve flight, even before vertebrates decided to tag along with prototype pterosaurs. The estimated ten fucking million species occupy all kinds of environments, including deserts, underground undergroundness, glaciers, and bodies of sweet water. Cockroaches can like survive an atomic bomb dropped straight onto their heads.
Read more…
40 Best Things About Spats.
March 3rd, 2009
- A common household spat.
Hello. In today’s installment of the soon-to-be-fabulous “40 Best Things About…” series, we are going to focus on spats – quite possibly the best footwear accessory ever invented. Sit down comfortably and fasten your spatbelts, because you have some serious eye-opening experience in front of you.
Spats were invented possibly in prehistoric times. They were certainly among the first domesticated items of clothing. I am sure you yourself own several pairs, because only horrible barbarians don’t. They provide many benefits and are just plain awesome. You probably know your basic spatology already and there’s no need to further explain the basics. BUT did you know that:
1. They are the only shoe accessory that can be used without shoes, possibly confusing your opponents in an ass-kicking contest.
Dear PoE (from Jimmy)
February 27th, 2009
mom's crab
Dear Panel of Experts
My friends always tell me my mom has crabs. I had crab meat once and i really liked it, but i cant find these crabs my friends keep saying my mom has. can you tell me where to find my moms crabs?
- Jimmy
—
Dir Sir or Madam,
We are ever so glad you decided to share your problem with our community. As you woefully experienced firsthand already, crabs are one of the major problems of contemporary world, and extreme attention must be paid to all affairs involving these wonderful but malevolent creatures. Read more…
Ponies
February 27th, 2009
