Panel of Experts

On behalf of the utensil liberation movement:

Letters dishes, roommates

Esteemed Panel of Experts,

How much food would a foodfuck fuck if a foodfuck could fuck food?

Yours faithfully,
Professor R. A. Hippoberg, Ph.D.
Department of Ethology
State University of Bouvetoya

Dear Professor Hippoberg,

Foodfucks are among the most fascinating animal species in the world, even if they are considered a bane of picknicers all over the temperate climate zone. The question you asked, concerning their capability of mating with significant volumes of food, has been giving philosophers a headache for long centuries now. A famous historical anecdote, passed down by Plutarch, tells of the great philosopher Archimedes struggling with this very problem on the day the city he happened to be in was captured by the Romans. His last words, addressed to a soldier who burst into his room looking for things to rape or pillage, were allegedly “do not disturb my foodfucks!”.

Thus unfortunately the question remained unanswered for the next couple of millenia, but fortunately today we have all the modern science and stuff, and we can finally embark on the quest of finding the answer to this burning question. In fact, our specialists will soon be doing a program about foodfucks on the Discovery Channel, which has the scientest science of all with their flashy logos and theme music. Our program will have the best damn logo in the history of the channel, you just wait and see!

THE THEME WILL GO LIKE THIS: Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo Dooo WROOOOAAAHHHH *drum solo*

Anyway, about your question. Read more…

Letters, Panel of Experts ethology, famous historical anecdotes, food, infinite supply of grasshoppers, proper foodfuck, scientific rigor

mom's crab

Dear Panel of Experts

My friends always tell me my mom has crabs. I had crab meat once and i really liked it, but i cant find these crabs my friends keep saying my mom has. can you tell me where to find my moms crabs?

- Jimmy

—

Dir Sir or Madam,

We are ever so glad you decided to share your problem with our community. As you woefully experienced firsthand already, crabs are one of the major problems of contemporary world, and extreme attention must be paid to all affairs involving these wonderful but malevolent creatures. Read more…

Letters, Panel of Experts excellent advice, itchy things, water creatures, yo.